Book excerpt. On the pain of breaking up and how to survive

Excepts from my appendum on breakups in the book: marriagemoneyandporn.blogspot.com/

Key elements of surviving a break-up include distancing- not identifying with your painful emotions and practicing relaxation techniques.

"When we are abandoned or cause pain to another by initiating the breakup, we naturally feel bad about ourselves. This feeling may be so pervasive and seep into us so deep that we lose the context of why we feel bad. We are not inherently bad even though something bad has happened. We must please remember to be humane to ourselves. Cut ourselves a break. Be kind and merciful. Don't punish ourselves. Putting oneself in the dog house doesn't change the situation or help resolve it, it only displaces the dog. It's just non-sensical.

It is, however, important to allow ourselves to feel any feelings that arise. Blocking out grief, anger, disappointment, relief, etc. will only encapsulate them in the long run. It's like the kind of capsule that powder form medicine comes in. As with medicine capsules that dissolve when we swallow them, the emotions we may hide away and try to encapsulate regularly dissolve and require us to use psychological energy reserves to re-encapsulate them continuously. Why not use that same psychological energy or currency to let those emotions breathe for a moment and be on their way? These emotions may keep washing in with the waves, but let them leave with the waves as well. We don't have to be so responsible and diligent as to hold onto and nurse every feeling. They can knock on the door, be acknowledged, but they don't have to move into the house. It's harder to see our authentic selves in a house full of needy guests."

"Allowing your brain to rest is important. Meditation is powerful. Research has shown that in a state of rest our brains function optimally. Further research on meditation shows that in a meditative state we have even more neuro-electric activity in all areas of the brain than in the rest state, especially between our right and left lobes. We can process thing better if we let our brains rest and rejuvenate. A short and simple technique that can be used to “clear the palate,” like having ginger between pieces of sushi, is to count your breathing from one to ten, then from ten to one and then repeat this process until your brain calms down. Usually between 5 and 15 minutes depending on how anxious you are. This technique is especially useful for decreasing anxiety levels if you happen to wake up in the middle of the night. Having a meditation CD to listen to may also be useful."